


Baby, we're going down

by daggerstabsrose (orphan_account)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Louis, Insecure Louis, Jerk Harry, Light BDSM, M/M, Oblivious Harry, Rimming, Sad Louis, This is my first time, Top Harry, but he doesnt mean to, for a while, idk what to tag, like at the beginning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-21 10:08:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14913390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/daggerstabsrose
Summary: "Do you remember," Louis says quietly, smoke escaping from his lips, curling into the night sky. "Do you remember what you said to me that night?"Harry eyes Louis, green boring into blue, intense and fiery. "I do," Harry says finally, letting out an exhale. "I said we weren't worth it."•Harry wants freedom. All Louis wants is to be enough for Harry to love





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this sucks

For H,

who taught me that,

love isn't impossible.

***

 

Japan

Monday, 1/12/2013, 5.23am

It's five twenty-three a.m in the morning. Louis is staring out of the window, at the fallen snowflakes on the ground, layers of snow upon snow, glittering prettily in the warm rays of the sun.

It's also December the first, and he's in fucking Japan for God knows what reason. All that he remembers is glass breaking, holes in the wall, tears and then he's boarding the first plane to Japan. And here he is, with Niall fucking Horan beside him eating chips.

"They're frozen," Niall complained loudly, grumbling as the car jerked suddenly. "Hey, give someone a warning, won't ya!" He said to the driver, little bits of chips flying out of his mouth. The driver grunts in confusion and continues driving. Louis rolls his eyes so hard it nearly hurt.

"Niall, he doesn't understand you," Louis says loudly, still staring out of the window. "We're in fucking Japan for God's sake, not Donny or LA or Britain, fuck. Fuck."

"Fuck." Niall agrees. "Wait, what?"

Louis inhales sharply in irritation and regrets it instantly. The cold air rushes up his nose, and it stings like hell. He puts a finger under his nostrils and breathes slowly, trying to prevent breathing in anymore cold air.

"Oo, it's cold," Niall comments, and Louis just wishes that he would shut up. He loves Niall, honestly, but now his head is pounding and everything just hurts, so fucking bad.

"Be quiet, won't you, Niall," He says, and leans his head against the cold window. The shock of coolness against his cheek doesn't stun him. He just shuts his eye and feels his warm breath against the window, slight moisture starting to form from where it had condensed.

Niall shuts up, fortunately, sensing that Louis just needs some time, and space to himself. He continues chewing obnoxiously, however, but Louis finds comfort in that. That someone is still by his side.

He watches his surrounding blur at the speed they're going, and he stares so long without blinking his eye starts to smart. He closes his eye, tight, and feels a tear start to form. He opens his eye when he deems it suitable and continues staring out of the window, at the snow falling and suddenly his voice sounds in his head, "Hey, Lou, someday, I'll take you to somewhere where it snows and we'll watch the snow fall together."

He remembers replying an excited, "The snow's so pretty!", and then Harry's saying back, fond and soft, "Nothing's as pretty as you.", and Louis wants to vomit. He feels sick and horrible because he loves Harry so much it hurts, but love wasn't enough.

"I don't want to fall too deep," he had said, when their relationship was just in the beginning stage, tear tracks and red blotches on his cheeks and eyelashes clumped together. "I don't want to fall too far. I did for all my previous relationships. Look at what it did to me."

Louis opens his mouth and exhales at the window, making a soft, "Haaaahh" sound. It mists up and Louis brings a trembling finger to the fogged up part, and draws a random smiley face, with crosses for eyes, on it.

"I'll catch you," Harry had murmured back, promises of eternity hanging in the air, intertwined between their fingertips. "I'll always be here to catch you."

Bullshit, Louis thinks. Because Louis's fallen down so far, and there's no arms that's wrapped around him. No one to catch him. And it's all Harry's fault. 

 

***

 

The hotel he and Niall's staying in is beautiful. It has a four-poster bed, a little aesthetic wooden study table and walls that are painted a light baby blue. The carpet is soft and his feet sinks down a little when he walks on it. It's a little like walking on sponge.

"It's pretty, innit." Niall's saying, and Louis snaps back into reality. He looks at Niall and holds his gaze for a couple of seconds before dropping his head down again, nodding slightly. He puts his bag onto the bed gently and sighs.

"Niall," Louis says, a little dejected, sides of his mouth drooping down a bit "You. You don't have to be here, you know."

Niall regards him cautiously, mouth twisting to the side as if he's trying to use his tongue to get that little bit of chip out of his teeth. "I want to," he insists. "To be here, I mean. This is what friends are for, no?"

Louis finally lets himself smile a little, trying to let Niall see that he's grateful for what he's done. Niall smiles back, as if telling him, it's okay.

Louis doesn't speak about it for the rest of day. Neither does Niall, which kind of surprises him since Niall is a rather prob-by person, always wanting people to talk to him about their problems. They roam around the city, randomly commenting about the snow and the shops and the clothes. It doesn't wander further than that, and to say that Louis's relieved is a huge understatement.

"Hey," Niall says suddenly as Louis is looking at one of the fur coats hanging on the rack, and Louis's stomach drops, and something that feels like dread fills the pits of his stomach. No, he thinks. Don't talk about it, don't talk about it, please-

"I was thinking that we should go back," Niall says casually, as if he didn't nearly just make Louis have a heart attack. "It's late, you see, I can barely see three feet 'front of me."

"Yeah," Louis nods jerkily, exhaling harshly. A cloud forms in front of his face and he shakes his head. "Yeah, okay." He says again, and starts to walk back to their hotel using Niall's GPS on his phone, since he left his own phone in the hotel charging: it's battery was flat.

"Look," Niall sighs, and Louis thinks, this is it. "I'm not going to force you to talk about it, mate, but when you do, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

And, that's. That's the best thing Louis has ever heard coming from Niall considering the fact that all he does all day is fart and eat junk food. He's the best, best friend Louis could ever ask for, he swears.

"Thank you, Niall," Louis whispers, voice loud in the quiet room. "I love you, so much. Thank you."

"Even when I fart in yer' face?" Niall jokes, and Louis feels a little of tension leave his shoulders. He laughs along with Niall, and thinks, maybe it would get better. Maybe one day.

Maybe one day.

 

***

Los Angeles

Monday,1/2/2015, 8.17am

It doesn't get better. Of course it doesn't. It never fucking does.

It gets worse, in fact. It's been two years since he's seen Harry Styles, and he's still not over him. Bloody pathetic, he is.

After that Japan trip, he decides to basically migrate his ass to Los Angeles and continue his studies there. He got an earful from his professor for skipping class for a week, but the numbing pain had subsided since then, so it was worth it, at least.

He moved all his stuff from Doncaster to LA, (excluding the pictures, the pictures, because he never wanted to see them ever again. He took them all down from the wall and put it in a box. The box is currently sitting under his bed, rotting.) bought a flat, and lived there with another flatmate called Zayn. Zayn helped to fill in a little of the hole Harry left in him, but he still wasn't okay. He didn't think he ever would, without Harry.

Zayn's a little like a bad boy, with that little strip of blond on his quiff and tattoos inked into his skin. It's clear that he's good looking, kind of like Adonis, and sometimes Louis just stares at his own reflection in the mirror and thinks, I wish I could be more like Zayn.

Zayn is also a really great guy to talk to, once you get past his mysterious demeanour. He's funny, quirky and outgoing, with a little bit of a savageness of him. He once made Liam cry because he was making fun of his bald head, which he apologised for after that, of course. (After Louis told him to.)

Zayn likes to paint, too. He's always in his room painting, and comes out with dirty fingers and a streak of paint on his cheekbone. Louis finds that really attractive. He tried that once on himself but only ended up looking like he smashed his face in some paint. So it was safe to say that he never tried it ever again.

There was also another boy, called Liam. He's sweet and puppy like, adorable and endearing at the same time. At the time where he met Liam, he was in a bad phase and basically glared at everyone who so much as looked at him. Needless to say, he spent two weeks walking and glaring at Liam like he murdered his dad or something.

Liam turned out to be another great friend, other than Zayn and Niall. He's comforting and soft and broad, and is great to cry on or cuddle with. He loves Liam. He loves Zayn and Niall. He loves his best friends, basically.

The four of them go to the same school together, and by some sort of luck, they all got somewhat identical timetables. Louis was always in the same class with either one of them. 

"Hey, Lou!" Zayn called, stumbling after him. He rubs his hands on his pants and tries to catch up after Louis, obviously failing.

"Zayn," Louis scolds lightly, though they both know that there's no real anger behind his words. "I'm the one who does the laundry, so don't wipe your hands on your pants after you paint, you tit!"

"Okay, okay," Zayn laughs, and tucks his hands into his pocket, ignoring Louis's sounds of protest. "Who are you with today?"

Louis thinks for a while. "I think I'm with you for the first period. Can't really remember."

Zayn shrugs. "Fine enough."

They walk together, side by side, to school. They don't bother waiting for Liam and Niall, knowing that they would show up sooner or later.

"Aw, why didn't y'all wait for us!" Niall complained, as he and Liam sat down on their lunch table later on.

"We were going to be late, you dimwit," Louis deadpans, rolling his eyes. Niall pouted.

Zayn started speaking up. "There's a new boy around today, Lou. You should totally meet up. He's so cool, you'll definitely love him!"

And Louis frowns, because he hasn't had any friends other than Zayn, Liam and Niall, and he's perfectly happy to stay within their own bubble. Zayn and Liam knows that Louis has a bad past, and has trust issues. They also know that Louis had lots of boyfriends but ended up tossing him away like he was worth nothing. They didn't know who was the one who broke Louis the most, though. Only Niall knew.

"Fine, how's he like?" Louis asks, and Zayn brightens up immediately.

"He's rather good looking, messy curls, green eyes and dimples. You know, classic look. You guys would be such good friends - Lou, hey, where are you going?!

And, oh my god.

Louis can't breathe. He can't fucking breathe because that only means Harry fucking Styles and Louis isn't ready to face him.

"Oh my god," Niall says. "Oh my god, Louis. Shit. This is bad."

Louis's already running, ignoring Niall's cries and Liam's sounds of confusion and he can't fucking breathe because Harry Styles is back. He's back in Louis's life and he isn't sure if he should be happy or just throw himself off the nearest building. Preferably the second option.

"Hey, watch out, mate-"

And then Louis's barrelling into a hard chest he's blindsided for one second. Then his eyes widen because he knows that voice, that voice that always soothe him when he's sad and laugh with him when he's happy, moans his name when pleasuring him. That voice belongs to Harry Styles. Oh God.

"You should look where you're going, wouldn't want to fall and hurt yourself, huh?" Then Harry's looking at him and he watches as all the air gets punched out of his lungs and how his legs nearly buckle. Louis wants to laugh at how ironic the whole situation is.

He doesn't.

"Louis." Harry says, still staring dumbly at him.

Louis runs.

He runs and runs and runs until his legs are burning with the urge to buckle and until his lungs are screaming for air. He continues running.

He only stops when his visions starts to blacken a bit and when his legs really gives out underneath him. He crumpled to the ground and skins his knee in the process. He doesn't care, though. He just curls up against the brick wall and cries and cries and cries.

He barely registers the body wrapping around him, until Zayn's voice is murmuring, warm and soothing in his ear, "It's okay, it's okay, babe. Shh, I got you, love. It's alright." Then he's pressing kisses to his forehead and messy hair and Louis just cries harder, sobs wracking his body and breath hitching every so often. He leans his head against Zayn's chest and sniffles.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, voice barely a whisper. "For, you know. Ruining your shirt."

Zayn smiles sadly at him. "My shirt doesn't matter, love."

Louis mouths sleepily at Zayn's shoulder. "Mm, okay."

He's also dozing off when Zayn suddenly gasps. "Louis, your knee!"

Louis frowns at looked down at his knee. "Oh, that's not too bad," he said, staring down at the blood dripping down his knee. Zayn looks horrified.

"Not too bad- look, I'll carry you to the nurse, then I'm sending you home, and, we're going to talk about what happened just now."

Louis ignores the dread that he's feeling and lets Zayn carry him, face burning in embarrassment when everyone in the hallways turn to stare at him. Harry's nowhere to be seen, though. Louis doesn't know if the tight feeling in his chest is relief or sadness.

 

In the nurse's office, the nurse disinfected his wound and cleans up the blood around it, the antiseptic stinging. Louis barely flinches at the pain, however. He's kind of used to it already.

"Thanks," he murmured lowly, not meeting the nurse's eyes. Zayn wraps a protective arm around him and pulls him closer. "Be more careful, dear. Can't have people always tripping and skinning their knee, can we?" She chuckles, smiling at Louis. He nods.

"C'mon babe, let's go," Zayn whispers to him, and he helps him out of the office. 

 

 

***

"Louis," Zayn sighed, staring at Louis with disappointed eyes. "Why – why didn't you tell me?"

Louis avoids his gaze and just stares at the carpet, because Zayn's disappointed with him. He made Zayn disappointed. Nobody has made Zayn disappointed before. He swallows down the lump in his throat.

"If Harry," Louis doesn't flinch at his name. "If Harry didn't show up, were you not planning on telling me and Liam? Forever? We're your best friends, Lou, why – why didn't you feel the need to tell us why are you so sad all the time?"

Louis still doesn't say anything.

"Jesus, Lou!" Zayn's starting to get exasperated. Louis can hear it in his voice. "Speak up!"

"I don't know!" His voice is like thunder booming in a quiet night. . "I – I just couldn't, you know, it was so hard to think about already, let alone talk about it! I just – I just can't, okay? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I let you down, I won't blame you if you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore, I'm so fucking sorry-"

"No, no, it's okay, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you so far. It's my fault, I'm sorry, Lou. I'm sorry."

It shouldn't have come to this, Louis thinks. It shouldn't come to them fighting to apologize to each other, because they were such best friends they always talked to each other about their issues and they never keep secrets from each other. It's a rule the four of them had when they became a clique. Louis ruined it all. Just like he ruined his and Harry's relationship.

He feels like he's drowning. It's like he's being doused in cold water and he can't breathe, and there's no one to pull him out. He's drowning. Drowning in the memories of him and Harry, drowning in the secret smiles and little touches and kisses that they share.

He thinks that he wants to die.

He also thinks of that one failed attempt and he nearly laughs, because who on earth can fail to kill themselves? He thinks of pills scattered around the bottle and the blade and the tangled bed sheets, and, and.

And he wants to do it again.


	2. why

Tuesday, 2/2/2018, 9.17am

It's 9.17am, and Louis is in bed.

He has the covers pulled over his head, like a cocoon, and there's a lone tear that's wobbling on the bridge on his nose, too light to fall. He turns his head slightly and lets it drip onto the sheets with a tiny plop. He sighs.

Louis waits until the air starts to get a hot and stuffy and suffocating before he pulls the cover off, welcoming the sudden shock of cool air. He doesn't cry. He doesn't.

He's supposed to be in school. Literature period, specifically, with Niall. Literature is his favourite subject, because he's good in it, and he loves the teacher. But he doesn't want to see Harry wandering in school. So he stays at home.

"Babe, you gotta get up," Harry whined, pulling the bed sheets over Louis's head. 

And, no. He's not going to relive the memory again so Louis pulls the covers over himself again, curling up into a small ball. Breathe, he tells himself. Breathe.

He can't, that's the thing. He thinks he's starting to feel the beginnings of a panic attack, crawling up his chest, tightening.

He gasps, trying to get some air into his damned lungs. He can't.

Louis throws the covers off him, sitting up straight, doubling over and gasping for breath. Suddenly, he wishes that he didn't ask Zayn to leave him alone that morning. He picks up his phone with trembling fingers and dials the first number he sees on his contacts.

"Liam," he wheezed, coughing a little. He's starting to feel a little lightheaded. "Liam, help."

"Louis, babe?" There's Liam frantic answer. "Louis, are you okay? What's wrong? Are you having a panic attack?"

Louis doesn't answer. He's too busy trying to breathe.

"Okay," Liam instructs. Louis sits up a little straighter and tries to listen to Liam through his muffled hearing. It's like being underwater, like cotton being stuffed into his ears. There's a dull ringing in his head and he just want it to stop.

"Put your head between your knees," Liam is saying, and Louis struggles to follow his instruction. "Stay calm. Stay calm. No – Louis, I can hear you. Breathe with me. C'mon."

Louis's breathing harshly, head between his knees. He tries to follow Liam's breathing on the other side of the phone, but all he can think of is Harry's smile, Harry's laugh, Harry's face and curls and smell and –

"Louis?!" The door slams open.

"Liam," Louis cries, burying his face in Liam's warm chest. "Liam, Liam, I can't – I can't breathe, help me – "

"Shh," Liam soothes. "C'mon, look at me, breathe, breathe. In, out. In out. That's it! Good boy. In, out. In, out..."

Louis manages to calm down after a while, the air like a cool breeze in summer wafting into his nose. It's one of the best things he's ever experienced. Breathing air. Right.

 

"Thanks." He looks up at Liam, eyelashes sweeping against his cheeks. He looks angelic, Liam thinks, as he pressed a kiss to Louis's hairline and cheek. All vulnerable and soft, with his walls down. Louis's already starting to fall asleep, eyelashes fluttering against his bare shoulder. It only takes a while for him to fall asleep, mouth slightly open and cheek mushed against him. Liam tucks Louis slowly under the covers, careful not to jostle him. He then pads out of the room quietly and makes his way to the living room to make some coffee.

 

"Is he okay?"

Liam regards Harry cautiously. "He's been better." And ignores the way Harry's shoulder slump and how he sighs dejectedly.

"You need to tell us what happened, you know," Liam says, and a flash of guilt and panic passes over Harry's eyes. "Niall...he hates you, you know. He hates you for whatever you did to Louis."

Harry scrubs his hand over his face. "We used to be best friends. I ruined that."

"You did," Liam agrees. He set his coffee down on the table and sighs. "Look, I don't know what you did to Louis, but I'm going to assume it's something bad if Louis's like that now."

"It is," Harry nods, looking away. He rubs his sweaty palms over his jeans. "I cheated on hm."

And, wow. Liam was not expecting that. He choked on his coffee and slammed it down on the coffee table. "You what?!"

Harry shook his head, tilting his head towards the direction of Louis's room. "He's sleeping."

Oh, right.

"You cheated on him?" Liam hissed, and, wow. He didn't expect to feel this angry, but apparently. He did. 

 

"I did," Harry sighs, and then Liam's pushing him out of the door, anger red and hot, saying, "How dare you break his heart like that, how dare you?!" And Harry's out of the door. Liam leans against the door and sighs, rubbing his forehead with his palm. He just hopes that Louis didn't wake up to the commotion.

***

Wednesday, 3/2/2015, 7.23am

This time, Louis went to school.

It's like he's the mob boss of a fucking gang or summat, with Liam, Niall and Zayn flanked on either sides of him. They're wearing sunglasses, and Zayn has a cigarette between his lips.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Louis demanded. "Are you guys – are you guys my bodyguard or what? You guys don't need to protect me or what, I'm not a fucking child!"

Zayn and the others just looks at him. They continue walking.

"What the –" Louis splutters. "You guys – I'm not invisible, what the hell. Guys – guys! Oi!"

He slaps Niall on the ass and he turns around with a yelp. "What the hell, Lou?"

"Why are you 'what the hell'-ling me?" Louis shrieks. "What are you guys even doing, man? You don't need to protect me, I'm saying this for the second time! Are you even listening?"

"No." Zayn said.

He's officially done. Louis's ready to move to the Artic to live underneath his igloo together with his fishes and polar bears. He hates his friends.

"I hate you guys," Louis tells them. "This is over. We're not friends anymore. Bye."

He walks away and ignores their cries of protest. "Jesus, Lou. Come back."

Louis is smiling. "No!' He flips the bird, before turning around to walk to his class.

 

***

 

Wednesday, 3/2/2015, 8.14am

He's in class taking notes and actually paying attention for once, when the door bursts open and-

Fuck.

He's just right there, messy hair and bright eyes and crumpled clothes staring at him in the face.

"Oh my god, I'm late! Sorry, I'm so sorry, I won't be late anymore-"

"Sit down," Mr. Blue-Hair said gruffly, (Louis doesn't know his name) waving his hand. "Take a seat next to Louis. Louis, raise your hand."

No. There's no way on earth he'll let Harry Styles sit next to him, because these seats are permanent, so if Harry sits next to him he'll be sitting with him for the rest of the year. So, no.

"Louis!" Mr. Blue-Hair barks, and Louis doesn't want his grade to suffer, so he raises his hand, watching as Harry catches his gaze.

It's all rather comical, to be honest. His eyes widen it looks like it's too big for his face and his lips form an 'O' shape. Louis never thought that it was possible, until he saw Harry. It really was a perfect 'O'.

zayn what the fuq is harry doing in my class, Louis types furiously. wht the fuk bro.

oh fuck bro. Zayn's replying. And Louis wants to punch Zayn for his very helpful reply. wht is he doing in yr clas

dats wut i asked u idiot what the hell ihate u. 

"Tomlinson!"Mr. Blue-Hair calls out, and Louis pockets his phone quickly. "Sorry," he apologises, trying to placate Mr. Blue-Hair that's staring displeasedly at him. "For using my phone." He adds on after a tense silence. 

Mr. Blue-Hair grunts in annoyance and turns his attention back to the board, randomly calling out names to answer his questions. 

He doesn't sneak a peak at Harry Styles, because he thinks that he would most probably get a cardiac arrest if he take a good look at him. He barely saw his face when he bumped into Harry the previous time as he was too busy running away. If Louis could avoid looking at Harry now, he would. 

Class ended way too slowly for his liking; he had to endure sitting next to Harry for a whole damn hour. He just wants to barrel off the building and finish himself off. 

The moment class ended, he ran out of the class and straight to the cafeteria and slaps the sandwich out of Zayn's hands. 

"Lou, what the hell?" Zayn exclaims, horrified, as he stares at his soggy sandwich on the floor. "That cost me two - eighty, you cunt!" 

"I'll pay you back later, just come with me." Louis says impatiently, already pulling Zayn out of his seat without finishing his sentence. The chair made a horrible scraping noise against the floor. 

"This better be good," Zayn grunts, crossing his arms over his chest when they're in a secluded area. "Or I'll kill you." 

"Harry is in my class," Louis pulled on the roots of his hair. "He's in my class, what do I do? Zayn, change your timetable or replace it, I don't care. Just don't make me be alone with Harry Styles, God." 

Zayn sighs. "Look," he says, and Louis looks up at him. "I know this Harry kid fucked you up pretty badly in the past. I also know that you have done a lot of fucked up things to yourself too," and, holy shit, does Zayn know? He's going to kill Niall. 

He's really going to kill Niall.


	3. blue

Thursday, 4/2/2015, 5.52am

Louis was in the midst of planning his revenge on Niall, when his bedroom door creaked open. Louis sat up straight in his bed, covers pooling around his body.

"Babe," Zayn whispered. "Are you awake?"

Louis snorted. "No, I'm sleeping while sitting up."

"Okay," Zayn rolled his eyes. He pads over to Louis and sat down on his bed. "What are you doing with that hairspray?"

"Uh," Louis blinked.

"Look here, Louis," Zayn sighed. He seems to be doing that a lot lately. "I – wait, wait, put that – why are you aiming it at me? – Put that hairspray away, love. God, no, Louis, no!"

Louis puts down his hairspray. "Sorry." They both know that he's not really sorry, but neither of them cares enough in this moment.

They both sit in silence for a while. The silence isn't tense or awkward, just comfortable.

"Okay," Zayn smooths a stray hair away from his forehead, and Louis only tenses a little. "It isn't Niall's fault. I bribed him with a free storage of chocolate bars for three months."

"Of fucking course." Louis spits. Only Niall Horan can be bribed with food. That boy is basically a bottomless pit.

They stare at each other for a little while more, until Zayn breaks it, shuffling forward a little, causing the sheets to rustle.

"I," Zayn starts slowly, regarding Louis cautiously as if he's going to break anytime soon. "I think that you shouldn't stay away from Harry."

What?

"What?" Louis says, and he didn't expect his voice to be this loud. His voice broke on the single syllabus and he winced, shaking his head. "What?" He repeats, lowering his voice. It's harsh, accusing, and Louis wants to punch Zayn's pretty face until it caves in.

"No, I'm serious, Lou," Zayn's starting to get exasperated, brows furrowed and lips parted in a frustrated downward lilt. "You can't let one stupid mistake, Harry's mistake, to get in the way of your relationship-"

"No, fuck you, Zayn!" Louis doesn't care about the volume of his voice anymore. It rings around the room, loud and sudden. Zayn recoils back sharply.

"Fuck you! You - you don't understand how it felt," Louis thinks it's a miracle his voice has not given out yet. "How it felt to see him buried inside her-" This time, Louis does sob, and it takes both of them by surprise. Louis shakes his head at Zayn's guilty expression.

"This isn't something I can't just forget, you know," Louis's voice is strangled, and almost unrecognisable. "Forgive him, yes. I've done that a long time ago. But, forget?" Louis closes his eyes and exhales. "Never."

"I'm so sorry, babe," Zayn's whispering, and then he's being engulfed in a warm embrace, enveloped by Zayn's familiar smell and hands tracing soothing patterns on his back. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

"It's okay," Louis blinks against Zayn's shoulder, eyelashes sweeping against the woollen shirt. "It's not your fault."

When Zayn pulls away to look at Louis, it's to tears clinging to eyelashes, the lashes matted and sharp, darkened with tears. He's still beautiful. Zayn doesn't understand why would Harry ever want to give up him, to let him go. 

He tucks Louis under the sheets when his eyelids start to droop, eyebrows raised and eyes half-closed, blinking rapidly in a way Zayn knows when he's trying not to fall asleep. "Sleep," Zayn ruffles Louis's hair fondly as Louis pouted, head turning to the side as he closes his eyes, letting himself think of green eyes and curly hair, before he finally succumbed to the darkness, 

 

***

 

Louis wakes up again to the alarm clock ringing by his ear, the painfully annoying tone almost deafening him. Sadly, he has to put it right next to him, or he'll probably get a zero on his attendance for the rest of his school life. 

He trudges out of his room sleepily, scrubbing away the eye crusts at the corner of his eyes. Louis frowns and blinks rapidly, trying to get rid of the stickiness he can feel on his eyelid every time he blinks. 

"Hey, Lou," Liam smiles warmly as he bumps into Louis in the hallway. He presses a kiss to Louis's hair and pulls away with a wider grin. "Go take a shower, you stink." 

And Louis's laughing, and saying back an indignant, "I do not, you tosser!" Before making his way to the bathroom, only leaving the door open by crack: he hates fully closing the door. 

After the shower, (without the morning wank, excuse you) he changes into his clothes, a loose jumper lilac jumper and jeans. It's comfy. 

Niall waves him over to the dining table, mouth full of toast and crumbs of bread dusted on the side of his mouth. "Eh, Louis, are you gonna eat some breakfast?" 

Louis scrunches up his nose, lips downturned. "Nah, I think I'll pass," he says easily, waving his hand and moving back as Niall shoves the bread in his face. "Niall, no!" 

"Aw," Niall doesn't really look apologetic, happily taking Louis's share and putting it in his mouth together with the bread he already has. Louis watched in disgust as he downs his food in a span of eight seconds. 

"I think," Louis points to the door, stomach turning a bit at the sight of such a disgusting and disturbing scene. "I'll just go first. Help me tell Liam that I'll meet him in the classroom. Love you!" 

" 'ove you too," Niall mumbles, more focused on eating his breakfast than Louis. What's new, though? 

He makes his way to school and looks around the hallways, trying to catch sight of Harry, if he's lurking around somewhere. The feeling he gets when he doesn't see the figure of Harry, however, he isn't sure if it's disappointment or relief. 

Louis gets his books and things from his locker first, frowning as he sees a new post-it, marked in an angry red ink, "Stupid faggot, go die!". He ignores the tug in his heart and balls it up, throwing it into the nearest dustbin, fingers shaking when the crumbled paper nearly misses the mouth of the bin. 

It's been ages since he received a note like that, and Louis was relieved when it stopped around three months ago, when people started to be more accepting of his sexuality. When he first came out, however, it was pure torture. It was another list of things to add to his collection of bruises, broken bones and scars. It's a memory he never wants to relive ever again, but the new post-it says otherwise. 

Louis isn't sure how long he had been standing there, frozen with a dazed expression on his face, but there's a hand being placed on his shoulder and Liam's standing there, with a concerned look on his face and his brown eyes are full of sympathy. 

"Did you get another one of those?" Liam squeezes his shoulder when Louis gets on his tippy toes to bury his face in the nape of Liam's shoulder, whimpering softly when he feels the familiar tightening of his chest which just means that he's going to start crying. 

"It's been so long since I've received one of those," Louis says in a whisper, pulling away when Liam tenses up significantly. He knows what he's talking about; he's been there when Louis stumbles into the flat, face blotchy with tears and cheekbones darkened with bruises. 

Liam looks at his watch and smiles softly at Louis, rubbing his shoulder with his thumb. "It's getting late, we should go to class. It's literature, yeah? Your favourite subject." 

Louis knows that Liam is trying to cheer him up, and he appreciates the effort. He really does. But he can't get rid of the crushing feeling that's eating him alive from the insides, and he wants to get away for a while. So he pulls away and ignores Liam's hurt expression and runs to the toilet, hoping that Liam gets his message. He does, thankfully, when there's no one following him and he locks himself in a cubicle, burying his face in his hands. 

He takes a deep breath and this time, he doesn't stop the tears from escaping his eyes. An embarrassingly loud sob is being ripped out of his chest and Louis slaps his palm over his mouth, muffling his cries, body shuddering with the force of his sobs. He stays surprisingly quiet, only an occasional hiccup or shuddering breaths he takes that fills the air. 

And, he just. He used to be numb, and never cries whenever he receives a message like that. It's just - nothing. Like he's drowning, and there's nobody to hear his cries for help, his pleas, help me, please, I don't want to be here. Nobody. He's drowning silently and the thing is he doesn't actually want anybody to save him. He wants to run out of air and he wants to wait until his vision darkens; wants to wait until he feels like he's being ripped apart at the seams and he doesn't want to be stitched back.

So, it's a new feeling, pain. He's not used to feeling it. Maybe it's because he already had so many years of experience of pain at home, in school, in relationships, he's forgotten how pain actually feels like. Maybe it's because he already doesn't know the feeling of not being in pain. 

When Louis feels that he has already cried enough tears to last him a month, he leans against the cubicle, waiting for about ten minutes for his red nose and swollen eyes to subside a bit, so that he can look at least a little more normal. When he deems it suitable, then does he unlock the door and step out of the cubical. 

And, how is this Louis's life? Because Harry Styles is right outside his door, eyes wide and curls messy, expression panicked like he's a nine year old boy being caught sneaking out in the dark. His expression is pained too, and pinched, and Louis hates himself for remembering that he only makes that face when he's in great emotional pain, usually when his parents are fighting again, screaming at each other for a divorce, and Harry just wants it to stop, just wants them to stop, ("Make it stop! Make it stop! Louis, make it stop, please.") 

Harry's backing away from Louis, lips a little parted, and white bite marks rapidly disappearing from where he bit it while listening the Louis cry for his pathetic life. Then he runs.

Louis shakes his head, scoffing because Harry always fucking runs when he wants to get away from his problems, and then he remembers the amount of times that he himself has also ran away from his own problems, then did he stops mentally cursing Harry. 

 

***

 

Friday, 5/2/2015, 7.39pm

Today, Louis manages to get through the entire school day without seeing Harry anymore, though he did catch a glimpse of a mop of curly brown hair in the crowd, but that was it. Now Louis is wrapped up in his blanket, and he's watching Grease for the third time today. Isn't that wonderful. 

He's about to take another mouth of his ice cream to his mouth when Niall barges into his room, door slamming open and banging against the wall, rebounding a little. Louis shrieks in shock, spoon conging against his gum painfully. He groans. He could practically taste the metallic taste of blood on his tongue. 

"My gum's bleeding, asshole," Louis complains loudly, bringing his hand up to rub at his mouth grumpily; he's a sucker for pain. 

"Louis Tomlinson," Niall demands, and Louis can practically see the steam coming out of Niall's ear. "You come here right now." 

"But I'm in the middle of watching -" 

"That's the third time you're watching that show, so stop sulking and come with me to the living room." Niall doesn't elaborate anymore, so he's left in confusion as he reluctantly walks out of his room, instantly missing the warmth of his blanket when the cool air hits his body. 

He stops short in the living room, though, when he sees Zayn and Liam standing there, eyes wide and fearful like a dear caught in the headlights, and at first he doesn't get what he's seeing. But then he suddenly catches sight of a blood red hickey just above Liam's naked collarbone, and everything clicks into place. 

"I'm out of here," he declares, already making his way back to his room. "Bye." 

"Louis, what?" Niall splutters. "You're not mad? Because I am! These two fuckers think it's okay to be secretly dating and not tell us. Oh, I am mad. Ziam, hold on." 

"Who the hell is Ziam, you stupid motherfucker?" Zayn demands. 

"It's a ship," Niall explains, looking at Zay as if he's stupid. "I ship you guys together." 

"Ship?" Liam looks adorably confused. "What's that? Where do you want to ship us to?" 

Niall looks officially done with them. "I'm done with you guys." Then he storms back to his room and slams the door shut. 

Louis shrugs. "Oh, man. You're in deep shit. Congratulations, guys. Hope you have a baby on the way." 

Then he's smiling and is ignoring Liam's cries of protest and Zayn spouting curses at him. He thinks that maybe he'll be okay again.


	4. kiss

Monday, 8/2/2015, 10.47am

 

After much persuasion and ice buckets being dumped on his head, Louis finally had the motivation to get out of bed and go to school.

He's twenty years old, for God's sake, and still needs to be waken up by his friends and cold water. He doesn't know if he should laugh or cry.

"But what if I see him, Niall?" Louis asked, running after Niall. "Oi, don't ignore me, twat!"

"No, you're the twat," Niall suddenly says, stopping so abruptly Louis crashes into his back. "If you see him, then too bad. Talk to him, make up and kiss. You've spent two years moping and sulking and I'm sick of you being a sad little puppy waiting for Harry to crawl back to you." Then he just - just walked away.

He needs some new friends.

It's only when school's ending and he's packing his bag when Jace, a popular dude, one of the jocks, approaches him.

"Louis," He says easily, watching him sling his bag over his shoulder. Louis tips his head up, staring questionably at Jace. "What's up?"

Jace smiles and hops up onto a table, crossing his legs. "You're invited to my party this Friday, mate," Jace says, and shit. Louis completely forgot about that.

"Oh, right," Louis laughs, scratching his head. "It's at five, right? At your house?"

Jace grins and bumps Louis on the shoulder. "Got that right, mate. Bring along your friends. Niall, is that his name?"

Louis nodded and makes his way out of the classroom, waving goodbye to Jace. "Yeah, I'll bring along Zayn and Liam too. See you there, man!"

***

Friday, 12/2/2015, 5.02pm

Louis's standing outside Jace's house, and he can see the silhouette of Jace moving around, putting things together before everyone comes. He wonders vaguely if they're too early.

"Let's wait a while more," Louis decides, facing Niall. "No one's here yet."

"Whatever," Niall says, pulling Louis to the door. He rings the doorbell. "What the hell, Niall-"

"Louis, Niall, you're here!" Jace beams, before pulling them into his house. "Where's Zayn and Liam?"

"Making babies," Niall flashes a smile at Jace. "The ingredients are dicks, sperms, assholes, and-"

"What-"

"Niall, shut up-"

"What, It's true, you need dicks in assholes-"

"Niall, you fucking son of a-"

"Louis, you will not insult my mother-"

"I was not insulting your mother, I was insulting you, because you're a fucking dumb ass bitch, why am I friends with such an absolute idiot, oh my God-"

"Guys." Jace cuts in, face scrunched up in a horrified grimace. "You can just tell me that Zayn and Liam are fucking, you don't need to-"

"Oh, no, it's Niall's fault here-"

"Oh, so now it's my fault?"

"Duh, dumbass-"

Louis gets cut off again, this time, by Zayn Malik himself. He stutters, before smiling sweetly at Zayn. "Oops, sorry," he giggles, pushing at Zayn's chest lightly. "Didn't mean it."

"Louis," Zayn stares down at him. "Are you drunk."

The party hasn't even started yet. "Of course not!" He exclaims.

Louis feels ready to rule the world. "I feel ready to rule the world." He tells Liam, still grinning, his face threatening to stretch until it spilts and bounces against the walls like a rubber band.

Zayn frowns. "Is he high?"

"Oh, yeah," Niall mutters. "He's high on talking about assholes."

"I'm going to kill you. I'll burn you alive with Zayn's hotness."

"Excuse me." Liam says.

This is going to be a fun night. 

 

***

 

It's eight, and Louis is already drunk off his ass. He's currently pressed against Liam's side, garbling incoherently about how he ripped his mother's vagina apart when he said hello to the world. Liam does not look amused.

"I do not want to know how you came out of your mum," Liam says, keeping a straight face.

"You're keeping a straight face," Louis tells him. Then he laughs. "Straight! Hah, not straight. Straight as a not straight ruler. Wait, are rulers straight? Nah, they gay. Gay rulers."

Liam stares at him.

Louis stares back.

"Vagina?" Niall suddenly appears by his side. "Mm, vaginas. I like 'em." Then he stumbles away, probably in search of a vagina. He's going to get kicked out of the party at this rate.

"Niall, " Louis smiles drunkenly. "Niall the ruler. Niall is a ruler. Nialler. Oh my God! That's where we got the name from. Niall and ruler. I ship Niall and rulers!"

"Now, what is this hype about ships?" Liam demands. "What is a ship?"

"A ship," Louis hiccups, patting Liam's face a little too forcefully for it to be considered a pat. It's more of a slap. "A ship is titanic. Titanic. Titanium. Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus is good. Wait, no. She's wrecking ball. Wrecking balls." Louis's voice dropped to a whisper, and he leans into Liam's ear, as if telling him an important secret. "Miley wrecks balls."

Liam can't believe this is his life. He shouldn't have came if he knew all that he'll do at this party is listen to Louis rave about gay rulers and wrecking balls. Well.

Louis suddenly stands up, arms flailing, and one hits Liam smack in the groin. "Was that your dick I hit?" Louis asks, eyes wide and lips parted.

"No," Liam says. If he tells Louis yes he'll probably laugh at him for the next twenty years about how he managed to hit Liam in the dick while drunk. It would be the greatest mistake that Liam would ever make. Not that it would matter. "It was my hand."

"Oooooooo," Louis says, like in realisation. "I didn't know that dicks had fingers!"

"Dicks?" Zayn stumbles over, cheeks red and eyes glassy. Well. They're all drunk.

"Dick!" Zayn points at Liam, taking his hand and swinging it around. "Finger dick!"

Liam rolled his eyes so hard it hurts.

When he looks around again, he realises that Louis is no where to be find. "Shit," he curses, because a drunk Louis is a horny Louis. He can only hope that Louis doesn't go around groping people in the ass and commenting about their dicks. That's what happened the last time Louis got drunk. Liam had a great time laughing at videos of Louis getting screamed at by straight guys.

"Zayn, get off me, please," Liam sighs, trying to pry Zayn away from his lap, who was currently staring at his hand in fascination as if it was a new specimen. "Zayn."

"Nice dick," Zayn beams, whilst patting Liam's hand gently. "Dicky."

Oh God. 

*** 

Drunkenly, Louis stumbled around the house, occasionally laughing hysterically to himself while downing random stranger's drinks, effectively making himself even more tipsy in the process.

He managed to make his way to the balcony without killing himself by smashing his head on the ground. Louis tripped over a random empty cup on the ground, almost throwing himself over the balcony.

"Woah!" A familiar voice sounds, strong arms holding him by the shoulder. "You almost killed yourself there, mate!"

"Harry?" Louis slurs, vison blurring. He closes his eyes. "Harreh, is that you?"

"Louis." Harry said dumbly, staring at Louis.

Louis just pulls Harry into a rough kiss.

If Louis was sober right now, he would probably slap himself round the face so hard he sees stars. But he wasn't. So.

"Louis," Harry gasps, pulling away from Louis. He looks reluctant to. "Louis, you're drunk."

"I am?" He sounds genuinely surprised. "I'm not."

"I don't want this to be a mistake," Harry sounds pained, like he really wants it, but doesn't at the same time. "Lou. Lou. L – Mmphph-"

Louis's mouth and warm and wet and soft, everything Harry's ever wanted. He cups Louis face with one hand, tilting his head slightly, running his tongue over the roof of Louis's mouth. "Louis..."

"C'mon," Louis's demanding, dragging him towards a room. His lips are red and swollen and his eyes are blown, only a thin band of blue circling the iris. He looks beautiful. "C'mon, isn't this what you like to do? You like to tease and tease until 'm begging for you to just get in me. You like to fuck me 'till I can't take it, 'till I cry, innit?"

Harry licks his dry lips, painfully aware of his hard on straining in his jeans. "Jesus."

Louis drags his lips over the shell of Harry's ear, hot breath fanning over the side of his face. "I'm giving you the chance to do it now. Letting you fuck me, use me. That's what you like, don't you? To –"

Harry doesn't even let Louis finish his sentence. He fumbles with the zipper of Louis's jeans and pulls it down, before reaching up and pulling Louis into another desperate kiss. It's full of lust and want, and it's so fucking hot Harry is dying internally, it has him tugging on the roots of Louis's hair. He does not expect the strangled moan that escapes his lips.

"You like that," Harry says, lips wet. He yanks on Louis's hair again, harder, and Louis's head jerks back, the column of his neck bared, shiny with sweat. Harry connects his mouth to above Louis's collarbone, and sinks his teeth into the flesh, running his tongue over it after to sooth the sting. Louis lets out a breathy groan.

"Get it off," Harry murmurs lowly, tugging the hem of Louis's shirt over his head and throwing it on the floor.

Louis watches him with hooded eyes, watching Harry's gaze, raking all over his body. "So beautiful," he says, and grazes his thumb over Louis's nipples. He shivers. "Still so fucking sensitive," Harry says, before patting Louis on the bum and gestures to the bed.

"What?" Louis says impatiently, gripping the collar of Harry's shirt tightly. "Fucking fuck me, Styles." Before he pulls Harry's jeans and boxers down in one swift move, and takes his cock down all at once.

"Oh my God," Harry hisses, hands immediately finding it's way to Louis hair, fisting the tufts of soft hair tightly. "Oh shit, Lou, so fucking good for me."

Louis hums around his cock, vibrations making it's way up Harry's spine, and Harry throws his head back and moans unabashedly. "Oh my G-God."

It's amazing how Louis doesn't choke, and Harry thanks every deity out there that he doesn't have a gag reflex. It's wonderful, Louis's mouth all wet suction and tight around him, cheeks hollowed and eyes closed, lashes fanned out against his cheekbones.

"You're so beautiful, oh God." Harry chokes out, when Louis does this thing with his tongue. "So beautiful, so good for me."

Louis pulls off Harry's cock with a obscene pop, a string of saliva connecting his lips and Harry. "I'm good for you?"

"So good," Harry breathes, and pushes Louis onto the bed. "Gonna take care of you, gonna take care of my good boy." He pulls Louis's jeans down, breath catching in his throat when he sees that Louis isn't wearing anything underneath.

"You're not wearing boxers, Jesus," Harry groans, cock throbbing with arousal. "Did you come to this party to be fucked? You want to be fucked, don't you, you dirty slut." And Louis outright moans at that, hips thrusting into the air. "Fuck, Harry."

"But you're mine," Harry bites, jealousy running in his veins as he thinks of Louis underneath a faceless guy, legs spread and inviting to be fucked. "You're mine, only mine. I'm the only one who get to fuck you like that, I'm the only one – " Harry sucks a bruise into Louis's neck, the mark dark and red against his skin and it's so hot because Louis is his. "Who can mark you like that."

"Yours, only yours," Louis gasped, back arching with Harry's touch. "Oh shit, shitshit –"

Harry's tracing his hole with a dry finger, pushing slightly but not quite in. "Want me to fuck you?" Harry bites Louis's earlobe, relishing in the breathy moan Louis makes. "You gotta work for it." Then he pulls away.

Louis sits up on his knees. "Lube, need lube." He babbles mindlessly, head thrown back as he fucks himself into his fist. "Oh, fuck."

Harry grabs a lube he sees on the drawer, tossing it to Louis. He opens the cap with a snick and pours it onto three of his fingers, before inserting one into himself. "Oh."

Harry's mouth is dry as he sees Louis work a finger in and out of himself, thighs flexing and twitching as Louis fucks himself on his fingers.

"So hot, Lou, God," Harry groans, moving forward to kiss Louis. Louis isn't really kissing back, just gasping into his mouth, Harry swallowing his moans down. "Add another."

Louis adds another finger, mouth falling open slightly at the burn and fullness. "Oh my God, Harry, please, I'm ready – "

Harry pushes onto his back, hovering above him, looking at Louis's flushed cheeks and wide, glassy eyes and swollen mouth. "I'm gonna fuck you," Harry says to Louis. "I'm gonna fuck you until you scream, until everyone outside hears you, and they know that you're mine, only mine."

"Only yours," Louis gasps, and then Harry's pushing in.

He's tight, so, so tight, like a fucking vice around Harry. Louis is wet and hot and silky, and Harry's arms buckle, thigh trembling from where they're caging Louis in.

"Oh, shit," Harry groans. "Shit, Lou, you're so fucking tight."

Louis isn't even making any sounds, mouth agape and eyes closed, lashes fanned out against his cheekbones. His fists are clenching and unclenching beside his head, and his back arches up in Harry's touch.

Harry can barely move, and it takes a while for him to be fully inside Louis, flush against him. He waits until Louis nudges him with the heel of his foot, then he starts moving.

He pulls out until the head is catching against Louis's rim, and slams into him so hard he pushes Louis up the bed. It has him scrambling for purchase, eyes flying open and hands scrambling for the sheets. "Oh my God, Harry."

Sweat is rolling off Harry's face and onto Louis, and Louis is gasping for breath, hips bucking up, trying to search for friction.

He knows exactly when Louis is going to come, so he grasps for between their bodies, and jerks Louis off in time of his thrust.

Louis's orgasm takes both of them by surprise. It's the most beautiful and intense thing Louis has ever experienced. He's pretty sure he blacked out in that moment, but every thing was kaleidoscoping in his vision, black blotches and white. He doesn't even register the moment Harry comes in him, nor does he realise that Harry has already pulled out and went to the toilet to clean them both up.

By the time Harry's back, Louis is already asleep.


	5. leave

Saturday, 13/2/2015, 4.09am

 

When Louis wakes up, the space next to him in bed is empty, and Harry's gone.

He slumps back into the pillow with a sigh. He can still taste the tangy and bitter alcohol in his mouth. It's disgusting. He's disgusting.

He scratches the inside of his wrist and ignores the dull throb behind his eyes, and sits up, cover pooling around his waist. Louis stands up on wobbly legs and makes his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth and shower.

Just a fuck, he tells himself. But it certainly didn't feel like a fuck last night.

He finds his phone sitting on the bathroom counter, and he grabs it. He wonders how it got there.

Louis picks up his phone with trembling fingers, and immediately there's many messages flooding his phone. Through the flurry of texts, he sees "louis bro where are u." And, "Louis. Pick up your phone now I'm not even kidding." And then the more desperate ones, "Louis r u ok?? Pls pick up your phone!" "LOUIS TOMLINSON IM FUCKING CALLING THE FUCKING COPS."

He dials Zayn, putting the phone to his ear as he sits on the counter, putting his index finger in his mouth, anxiously chewing at the nail. Lou, one day you're gonna bite your entire nail off, you-

"Lo?" He hears Zayn's voice, and Louis's body unwinds. He didn't even noticed that he tensed up. "Lou, is that you?"

"Yeah," Louis says, inhaling sharply. What the actual fuck was Harry's voice doing in his brain. "Pick me up, please. Then you're driving me to a cliff, and you're going to throw me off it."

"Why should I?" Zayn's response is far away now, muffled and unclear, and Louis can hear the rev of the engine. "Wow, you're fast."

"Anyways," Zayn says, sounding a lot more closer to the phone now. Louis holds the phone further away from his ear. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Louis smiles weakly. Both of them know that he's lying. Zayn doesn't call him out for it.

"Just come pick me up." Louis says, before hanging up the phone. He rests his head against the cool marble and grits his teeth against the stinging pressure behind his eyes. He doesn't cry. He doesn't.

***

 

Zayn picks Louis up later, Louis clambering into the car. He greets Zayn with a quiet hello and thanks, but that's about it. Zayn hummed back in response, but other than that, they don't talk. It's quiet for about ten minutes when Zayn speaks up, soft and calm. Louis is taken aback by the emotions in Zayn's eyes.

"What happened," Zayn says, turning his attention back to the road. It's not even a question.

Louis's head falls back onto the seat with a quiet thump, and a resigned sigh escapes his lips. "Harry and I had sex yesterday."

Zayn doesn't say anything. There's just a little jerk in the car that sends Louis flying forward in his seat, but the seatbelt pulls him back. "Wow, could have killed me there, mate." He jokes lightly, but his smile falls flat when Zayn doesn't laugh.

There's a glint in his eye. Louis doesn't know what is it. It just makes him sadder, because he knows whenever Zayn is sad, angry or happy. 

Louis stares out of the window. He feels like he's falling. 

 

~

 

When they get home, Zayn doesn't wait for Louis to get out of the car before he's rushing out, running into the flat. It's only when Louis gets out slowly then he realises that he doesn't have the key to lock the car.

 

~

 

Louis locks himself in his room. He doesn't eat for days.

 

~

 

He walks around his room for a while, and then he comes across a small framed picture of him and Harry. They're happy, and their cheeks are smushed together, lips interlocked. Louis throws the picture across the room and cries.

 

~

 

 

Niall manages to break into his room. How he does it, Louis doesn't know. He carries Louis to the bathroom, puts him in the tub, and bathes him. It's not awkward. Niall then force-feeds Louis food. And if Louis throws it all back up in the toilet later, nobody has to know.

 

~

 

It's day six. Louis hasn't done anything but sleep and cry. He doesn't know why is he so sad. It was just a fuck. But that just made him cry even harder. 

 

~

 

It's day seven, and Louis knows that Zayn is ignoring him. He probably already told the others about what happened, which is why none of them even bothered about him, apart from Niall. 

He feels like a failure. 

 

~

 

Louis comes out of his room one day later. Niall, Zayn and Liam are huddled together, whispering to each other about something. They spring apart hurriedly when they see him, and Louis knows now that they are talking about him. 

"What are you guys talking about," Louis asks, even though he already knows the answer. Liam stutters. 

Louis smiles wryly before going to the kitchen. He opens the cabinet and takes out a loaf of bread. 

"It's expired," Niall says loudly. "Don't eat it."

Louis checks the expiry date at the bottom of the packaging. Expire on 15/2/2015. Damn it. "What am I supposed to eat now?" Louis cries frustratedly, throwing his hands up. He feels like crying all of a sudden. All over fucking bread. Oh God. 

"Let's go out," Zayn's already rising from the floor. "It's been a while since we went out, the four of us." 

Liam nods in agreement, and so does Niall. Louis's stomach churn at the possibility of bumping into Harry outside, and he opens his mouth to disagree. He shuts it when he sees the look on Zayn's face, all hopeful and wide puppy brown eyes. Liam's face is mirroring his. "Fine." He grumbles, a little pout on his lips.

"Cute," Zayn says, and he looks a little angry. "Little brat Louis is sad that we have to go out together. Aw." 

Louis frowns, hurt by Zayn's comment. He just meant for it to be a joke. "Zayn, I - " 

"Save it," Zayn snaps, storming away. Not before spitting a ,"Whore," at him, though. 

Whore.

Niall and Liam is already gone, probably off to confront Zayn or something. He finds the entire situation funny, in a sadistic way, because he isn't worth enough for just one of them to stay behind. Instead, they just run after Zayn. 

Louis grabs his jacket and slips on his pair of Vans, not even wearing it properly before he's already rushing off, slamming the door shut. 

So he's a whore for sleeping with Harry, once? Unintentionally? He was drunk, for God's sake. For the first time, he actually hates the fuck out of his friends. 

Louis can feel a sob catching in his throat, threatening to be ripped out of his chest. Louis doesn't allow it to escape. He swallows it down, keeps it in, bottles it up. He knows that one day he'll break down from all the things that he's keeping to himself, but it's fine. Everything's fine. 

(He knows it's not.)

 

 

***

 

 

He was walking aimlessly around the streets when his phone rings.

"Hello?" He already knows who was it.

"Lou," Zayn says breathlessly into the phone. It's quiet for a moment. 

"I'm sorry." And Louis sighs. He's sick of the apologies. "You don't need to apologise, Z, it's not like you're wrong." 

There's a sharp intake of breath on the other side and Louis braces himself from the shouting he's going to receive.

"Louis, I - " Zayn cuts himself off. "I'm so sorry. Please come back. Where are you? I'll come and fetch you." 

"I don't know where I am," Louis says. He looks around. "It says something about an ice cream factory." 

"I know where that is. Just wait for me, okay? I'm coming soon." There's a short moment of silence. "I'm sorry, again." 

"It's okay." Louis knows it's not, but he wants Zayn to shut up. 'It's okay, really. I'm fine." 

He puts down the phone before Zayn can say anything. 

 

 

***

 

 

Monday, 22/2/2015, 11.11am

 

Louis is having the fucking time of his life. He's supposed to be in class, but he managed to get himself locked up in a utility closet by Liam and Zayn as a dare. He's been yelling and shrieking death curses for about ten minutes already.

"Ziam!" Louis screams, and he hears a cackle. Niall fucking Horan. "Niall, you asshole, get me out of here!" 

"Suck my dick!" Niall starts to shriek and laugh. He's definitely having a blast. 

Louis's heart actually drops to his feet when he hears footsteps, Niall's footsteps, getting softer and softer.

"No," Louis says. 

"No!" He shouts, banging on the door. "Niall Horan, get back here! Niall!"

His head thuds painfully against the wall and he groans. "Why is this my life." Louis whispers, dragging his hand down his face. 

Everything between him and Zayn has already been resolved. Zayn even baked brownies and bought him a new video game to play. He honestly loves the fuck out of Zayn. 

Louis sits down there for a while more, ears perking up when he hears footsteps coming his way. 

"Niall!" Louis cheers, not even thinking why was there a lack of reply, which was a very un-niall kind of thing to do. "Niall, you came back. Get me out of this closet."

There's no reply.

And Louis is not prepared to see green eyes staring back at him when the door opens.

He does the one thing he's best at. He runs. 

Louis actually shoves Harry out of the way, and Harry stumbles back, eyes wide and shocked. Louis doesn't take one more look at his face before he's sprinting away, the wind cold and stinging against his face. He bursts into Niall's class and he - 

Screams. 

Because there's Niall, small, innocent Niall, in the middle of fucking a girl on the teacher's desk. 

"Oh my God!" Niall and Louis shouts at the same time. The girl underneath Niall shouts for a different reason. Louis looks away, horrified, as she starts shooting out......stuff. 

"Oh my God," Louis says again. "I can't believe this. Where has the rest of the class went. What the hell, Niall." 

The girls slaps Niall's face. He shoots the girl a confused look, but the girl is already wriggling from underneath him. She takes her clothes, puts on her bra with some difficulty, pushes Louis away, and walks out of class. 

"What - " Louis splutters. "She just - pushed me?" 

Niall shakes his head disapprovingly. "What a cunt." 

Louis eyes Niall. "I don't know if you're complimenting hers, or talking about her character, but either way, I don't want to know. Bye." 

Louis was about to walk out of class when he turns around. "Please put your dick back," Louis says. "I don't want you whipping it around like it's a weapon." 

Niall dutifully tucks his dick back into his pants. "Niall Jr. is back is his natural habitat." Niall says proudly, grinning like tucking his dick back into his pants is a fucking thing to be proud of. 

"Why are you my friend," Louis says. "From now onwards, you are not my friend." 

"Bye, Louis!" Niall yells, waving his hand. His face contorts into one of disgust. "Oh my God, she forgot her panties." 

 

 

***

 

 

Louis goes to find Zayn and Liam next. He was running around, trying to find the classroom, when he smashes into someone. He doesn't need to lift up his head to know that it's Harry. 

"Look, Louis," Harry says, starting right off the bat. "That night was a mistake. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you. I'm sorry." 

And wow, Louis is fucking mad. "A mistake," Louis says sarcastically, full of venom and hatred. Harry looks taken aback. "Yeah. Because it wasn't a mistake to me, you stupid cock. I hope that you drown in a sea of cum and choke to death on dicks. Bye." 

He braves his voice on not cracking. 

He's not crying. He's actually not. For once, he doesn't even feel anything. He just feels like a mistake. 

"You're the one who put your dick in me, fucking asshole," Louis mutters. "Stupid shit, I hope you strangle yourself on your stupid curls - " 

And, of course. Louis starts crying. 

He has a wonderful life. Really.


	6. forget

Tuesday, 22/2/2015, 2.34pm

He's in his room.

Louis looks around, frown etched on his face, as he takes in the rumpled bed sheet, a blade, and pills scattered on the floor. The scene is vaguely familiar.

His frown deepens when he sees Niall bent over someone, sobbing and begging, pleas of don't leave me, why did you do this, I hate you, spilling from his lips. The person is lying limp on the floor, arm flung carelessly over his chest, pineapple socks on the feet.

"Niall," Louis says loudly, trying to get his attention.

"Niall!" Louis says again, but he's still bent over that person, hand limp in Niall's grasp. Niall's babbling incoherently, hands clasped together, pumping that person's chest, and he sounds almost hysterical. Louis's starting to worry for his friend's mental health.

He walks forward to put his hand on Niall's shoulder, but startled away when he sees that person's face. There's a red, angry line running across his neck, thin, cracked lips slightly parted.

It's him.

Louis could have mistaken himself to be dead if it was not for the sudden twitch of his fingers that Niall doesn't see. Niall is crying, screaming now, performing CPR on him, and Louis can see the exact moment when he gives up when he starts hitting at Louis's chest, beating desperately, shouting wake up Lou, please, don't leave me-

Louis gasps, cool air stinging his skin as he sits up straight in bed, covers pooling around his waist. He tries to calm his racing heart for a second before he touches the side of his face, surprised to find it wet.

Louis starts crying, sobs ripping through his chest. He throws the covers off him and stumbles out of bed, throwing the door open with a slam, not even caring if he woke the entire apartment up. That's his plan, anyways.

Louis is banging on Niall's door, hysterically sobbing, and he can barely see straight through the thick layers of tears blurring his vision. He doesn't even know what's he saying, just jumbles and bits of his words flitting into his ear, Niall, come out, help me, I'm sorry.

He doesn't register the moment Liam's arms are pulling him away, nor does he register the moment he starts weakly banging his fists against Zayn's chest. But he does register the moment Niall comes out of his room, and Louis is fighting his way out of Liam's grasp. He collapses in Niall's embrace, babbling, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I made you go through that, you shouldn't have, I'm sorry."

"Lou, what are you talking about?" Niall asks gently, carding his fingers through Louis's hair, combing out the knots in his hair. "Lou? Talk to me."

Liam and Zayn are watching on, concerned. Zayn is chewing on his nails nervously, and Liam's mouth is opening and closing with no words coming out; like he wants to say something, but doesn't know what to say.

"It's just -" Louis sniffles, bottom lip wobbling as he stares at Niall, blue eyes wide and wet. "I dreamt of - of that time, it's just from - like, I'm seeing it from another perspective, and - "

"Sh," Niall soothes, thumb rubbing circles into his back. "You don't have to say it, babes."

"And I saw the bed sheets and the blade and the pills, and I was like," Louis gives a wet laugh, completely ignoring Niall. "What is that? And then I saw you crying and performing CPR over someone and when I looked over I saw that it was me."

He hears Zayn and Liam crying somewhere in the background but he's absorbed in his explanation, gripped by guilt and regret.

"I didn't mean to," Louis cries, gripping onto the hem of Niall's shirt tightly, creasing it. "I won't do it again, I swear, I won't, I won't - "

"I know, I know," Niall soothes, even though Louis can hear the uncertainty and fear in his words. Niall doesn't believe him.

"You don't believe me." Louis says, voice choked up and strangled. "You don't believe me."

"I do, trust me," Niall says, running his hand through his hair anxiously. "It's just - "

"You don't believe me," Louis shakes his head, more tears falling from his eyes. He scrambles away from Niall and curls into a ball, trying to make himself smaller than he already is. "You're lying."

"I'm not!" Niall insists. "I believe you - "

"You're lying!" Louis repeats, getting more worked up. "You're lying, why do you always fucking lie to me!"

"I'm not fucking lying!" Niall shouts. "Why can't you just believe me?"

"You're lying," Louis sobs, twisting his body away from the hands reaching out to touch him. "All you guys do is lie! Lie!"

"You," Louis whirls around and points to Zayn, finger shaking in the air. "You told me that everything would be alright. You lied."

"And you," Louis jabs his finger at Liam's chest, voice starting to quiver and get choked up. "Told me that - that I'm worth it. You lied."

Louis faces Niall and practically spits in his face. "You said that he'll always love me. You said that he will stay with me forever. You said that he will never let me go."

Louis backs down from Niall's face and looks at all three of them, glaring at them with hatred in his eyes. "You. All. Lied."

He looks at them one last time before storming off to his room, slamming the door shut. Nobody has to know if he cried himself to sleep.

 

***

 

Louis wakes up with a pounding behind his eyes and a sticky face. He slaps his face and winces when he feels the stickiness on it. Gross.

He gets out of bed and opens the door, but screams when three bodies came tumbling onto his feet. Louis jumps away, petrified, afraid that somebody had broke into the apartment and murdered his friends. He sighs when he sees Liam wake up with a shout as he hits the floor.

Zayn reaches out his hand and starts fumbling around, promptly slapping Liam on the face. He grips onto Liam's cheek and mumbles, "Why's my bed post so soft."

"I'm not your bed post, idiot!" Liam shouts, waking Niall up in the process.

Zayn's eyes shoot open and he gasps, looking around. "Why are we on the floor?" He demands. "I thought we were leaning on the door!"

Louis rolls his eyes. He shoves Niall aside using his foot and stalks to the bathroom, but not before someone's hands are yanking on his ankles, sending him crashing to the ground on top of Liam.

"What the fuck!" Louis yells, scrambling back to his feet. He's pretty sure he broke his ass, even though it's technically impossible. "What the actual fuck!"

"You sat on my face!" Liam groans, covering his face with his hands. "I think I broke my nose."

"I did not sit on your face, you bastard!" Louis huffs. "You pulled me down!"

"Ooh, sexual." Niall says.

"Niall, shut up." Louis and Liam says simultaneously.

Zayn is smiling dopily by the side, a wistful grin on his face. He's giggling like a maniac, hands pressed to either side of his face.

"Zayn," Louis says. "You okay?"

Zayn beams some more. "I dreamt that I met Lady Gaga!"

"Jesus Christ," Louis muttered. His friends are going mental. "Lord help me."

He shakes his head and takes his jumper lying on the couch. "I'm going out for a while. Don't call me. I'm still mad for last night."

With that, he slams the door shut.

Louis walks around the streets, hands shoved into his pockets. He sighs.

You said that he'll always love me. You said that he will stay with me forever. You said that he will never let me go.

He always had to be that dramatic, hadn't he?

Louis pushes open the glass doors, shivering at the cool air of the air conditioner that stings his skin. A chorus of "Welcome to Starbucks!" greets him as he smiles at the nearest employer.

He freezes when he sees who's at the counter.

"What the hell," he says, backing away. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Harry looks like he's in a frenzy, eyes wide and panicked and curls bouncing around. "I'm working!" Harry says, staring at Louis as if he can't believe that he was there.

Louis' legs twitched with the overwhelming urge to just run away, run away like every other time he's seen Harry. But he decides that he's tired of running. He's going to end it all, today.

"When's your shift going to be over?" Louis asks, and damn it hurts, when he sees Harry light up like the Christmas lights hanging on his tree during Christmas.

Because he remembers that he hasn't been making Harry smile that brightly in the last few weeks that they had been together, as boyfriends.

"In five minutes!" Harry says excitedly, already untying his uniform. "You know what, I'll just ask someone to take over. Jenny, come'er and help me out with my shift!"

"No, you asshole!" Came a reply from somewhere behind him.

Louis smiles tightly. "It's okay. I'll just wait for you."

Harry smiles apologetically at Louis before going back to entertain another customer. 

***

"So," Harry licks his lips nervously and bounces his leg, a habit he's always done whenever he's nervous. "How're you doing?"

Louis watches as Harry's eyes dart all over his face, all except his eyes. "Hey," Louis says softly. "It's just me, yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah," Harry flashes Louis a tight smile. "Just you."

It's awkward. So awkward. Louis doesn't remember when it stopped being so easy, when the I love yous and forever and together stopped.

"How're you?" Harry asks again, raising his eyebrow at his silence.

Oh, the usual, you know. Friends trying to stop me from killing myself and pining over you. I'm doing well.

"Yeah," Louis forces a smile. "Great. I'm great."

"Good." Harry smiles back. Jesus, it's so awkward.

They stare at each other a while more, not saying anything. Had Harry's curls always been that long? Had his eyelashes been this thick? Had he always been this muscular?

"I'm sorry," Louis and Harry blurts out at the same time. Louis' face turned scarlet. Harry just frowns, and says, "What are you sorry for?"

Louis shrugs helplessly. "You know," He bits his lips. For not being enough for you to stay. "Just...sorry." For not letting you go sooner.

"Well," Harry sighs. "I'm sorry for leaving you. You're not a one night stand, okay? You're more than that. I just...got scared, I guess."

Louis scoffs at the excuse. "Scared of what? Scared that your girlfriend found out that you fucked your ex? Huh? Is that it?"

Harry flinches at the venom in Louis' voice. "We weren't even dating in the first place!"

"You told me that you have been fucking her for months!"

"That doesn't mean that we're dating!"

"Well, you have fucked me for years and we were dating, so don't give me those bullshit."

"I wasn't fucking dating her, Louis, what the fuck - "

"Oh yes you were, 'cause you fucking cheated on me - "

"Stop bringing that up! I know I did, you don't have to rub it in, do you?"

Louis opened his mouth to retaliate when a stern voice interrupted him.

"Boys, if you wanna fight, please carry it outside. You're scaring the customers."

Louis looks around, and sees everyone staring at them. "What the hell are you staring at?" He snaps, before grabbing a jumper and storming out of the place.

He wanted to resolve things with Harry, but he just made it worse. Louis sighs and closes his eyes, willing the tears to go away.

"Because all you do is make things worse!" Harry shouted. "It's so much easier with her!"

"God," Louis murmurs, running a hand over his face. "God."

And he has no where to go, because he had a fight with Niall, Zayn and Liam, and he's too ashamed to face them. He can't go to Harry, because he managed to fuck that up too.

Louis takes out his phone and scrolls to a contact that's hidden under other phone numbers. It's someone he hasn't called in a long time.

"Mum?" Louis says. "I fucked up."


	7. fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GUYS WHAT THE FUCK WHY CANT THE ITALICS BE COPY AND PASTED TOO I JUST REALISED THAT THE ITALICS IS GONE BOOHOOHOO

Friday, 24/2/2015, 8.07pm

 

Louis' fine. He's fine. Really.

He's sweating profusely, frantically wiping his palms over his jeans over and over again. His palms are starting to turn red from the friction.

It's been...what? Two years? Three? Louis doesn't know. That's how much of a failure he is.

Louis raises his hand to knock, but before he could do so, the door is swinging open and his mum is staring at him.

"Well," Jay says. "Louis."

Louis' mouth is dry. He can feel panic rising up in him and he has half a mind to just say, "Fuck it," and leave. But he's already here and Jay is staring at him like he's a stranger and.

Louis starts crying.

God, he's pathetic.

"Mum, I - " Louis hiccups, a hand over his mouth. His body is shaking. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me, please - "

"Jesus," Jay says, before she drags Louis in by the wrist. "What in the world happened?"

Louis doesn't answer. He can't. Not when there's a fist flying into his face.

"Louis Tomlinson!" Lottie screeches. She's straddling him, hands throttling Louis to death. "Where in the fucking hell - " She knees Louis in the balls this time, and he chokes, clutching his crotch in pain. "Have you been?!"

"I think you need to stop strangling him, Lottie," Jay says sharply, glaring at her. "Lottie!"

Lottie releases her hold on Louis' neck and huffs indignantly, crossing her arms. Louis splutters and gasps for breath, hands still cupping his crotch. "Well, I guess I deserved that."

"You fucking did." Lottie spits, a look of pure venom etched on her face. He shouldn't have came back here. He's starting to regret this.

"Language!" Jay admonishes Lottie. She points up. "Go to your room now. I'll talk to you later."

"But - "

"Now."

Lottie holds Jay's gaze a little longer before sighing. "Fine." She snarls, before storming upstairs and slamming the door shut.

Jay turns to Louis where he's wiping the tears off his face, sniffling, and not looking at her. "Louis, look at me."

Louis looks at her.

"I need you," She starts saying, but stops when Louis adverts his gaze again, looking at the carpet. "Louis, you're a twenty-five year old man. I don't need to take out the cane and spank you in front of the girls, do I?"

She shouldn't have used the word spank. Because suddenly images that are not appropriate for this conversation are flitting across his mind, him sprawled across Harry's lap, him begging for his touch -

"Louis! Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah!" Louis says enthusiastically. "Yeah, I am!"

Jay raises her eyebrows. "Huh."

Louis continues staring at her with the fake smile plastered onto his face until she speaks up. "So, I heard from Harry that you broke up."

Louis chokes on his saliva. "You what?!"

"I heard from Harry that - "

"I know, I know!" Louis is on the verge of hysteria. "You - you have been in contact with - with Harry?"

Jay looks at him, unimpressed. "I don't see a problem with keeping in touch with my son's boyfriend."

"Well, not anymore." Louis snaps.

Jay gets up abruptly, shaking her head. "This conversation is going nowhere, love," she says softly, all the harshness from before disappearing. Louis watches, lost, as Jay goes to the kitchen to make tea.

He's so fucked up. Everything about him is just messed up. Lottie is mad at him, his mum is disappointed at him, Harry is - well, still broken up with him, and his best, best friends in the whole wide world is probably worried about him considering he just dropped out the face of Earth after that day.

He's a fucking failure.

"I'm a failure," Louis says out loud. Then he laughs, but it's bitter and sad, nothing like the hysterical cackle he always managed back then when he was with Harry. "I'm a fucking failure!"

There's a cup of tea that's being slammed down onto the table in front of him. The tea inside sloshes over and spills out, but neither he nor his mum seems to care.

"If I hear one more word out of you mouth," Jay says, and Louis realises that she's trembling. Her voice, her body, everything. "I'll kill you. I'm going to kill you. Strangle you to death like what Lottie did."

"You're not a failure, you hear me?" Jay says into his face, voice almost to the point of hysteria. "You fucking hear me, Louis Tomlinson?"

"Then why did Harry cheat on me," Louis says, mouth turned downwards, tears running down his face. "Why did he cheat on me, tell me, Mum. Why did he cheat on me if I'm not a failure, why did he cheat on me, why."

"I don't know, baby," Jay whispers, cradling Louis to her chest like he's a baby. "I don't know."

"Why can't I be enough?" Louis croaks out, tilting his head so that he can breath. "Why can't I just fucking be enough?"

Jay covers her mouth with her hands, and sobs silently while rocking Louis back and forth. Louis' cries quieten after a good twenty minutes and it's seconds when she feels his head loll against her shoulder. She looks down, and sees Louis' eyes closed, eyelashes dark and matted and sharp with tears, mouth slightly agape.

She's going to have a nice, long talk with Harry afterwards.

Jay shifts her position and lays Louis onto the couch, careful not to disturb him. Her heart breaks when he mumbles a soft, "Haz." And reaches out, a small pout on his lips.

As she walks upstairs to grab a blanket for Louis, she sees Lottie sitting on the staircase, a distressed look on her face.

"Louis got cheated on?" She asks, already feeling guilty.

"Yes, love," Jay says softly. "Now, I'm going to grab a blanket for Louis, and you're going to apologise to him when he wakes up. Okay?"

"More than okay, Mum." Lottie nods.

After tucking Louis in, Jay takes out his phone and dials a number.

"Harry Styles," She says. "You have a lot of explaining to do." 

 

***

 

"I already told him that I'm sorry, but he didn't accept it, he just dug up my past mistakes and threw it back in my face - "

"Harry Styles, are you listening to yourself - "

"I am! Look, how would you feel if you want to reconcile with a person and he just ends up making you feel more horrible than you already are - "

"How would you feel if your boyfriend cheated on you, disappeared for two years, and then blamed you in return?"

Silence.

"Look here, Styles," Jay spits into the phone. "You fuck him up again and I'll call up your mum and tell her everything. And then I'll come over and rip off your stupid balls. You hear me?"

"Louis doesn't even want to look at me in the eye now."

"And who else can you blame? Listen. I'm not going to beg Louis to get together with you, but you're the only person that has ever made him happy. His past boyfriends were all douchebags. So I'm going to try and convince him, but there's no promises. You know Louis. He's stubborn."

"I always liked that about him."

"I bet that's what you hate about him now."

There was the sound of breathing down the phone. "Not really."

"Hm."

"Jay - "

"Louis' waking up. I'll call you later."

"But - "

That was a lie. Louis was still fast asleep, curled into himself underneath the covers, only the top of his brown hair audible. There was occasional mumbles but that was it. He was practically dead to the world.

Jay just hopes that all of these ends well. 

 

***

 

Saturday, 25/2/2015,7.10am

When Louis woke up, it was already morning. He opened his eye slowly and shut them again - it was too bright.

"Mum," he mumbles, blindly patting the spot beside him. "Mum?"

"Louis." He opens his eyes again, but jerks in shock when he sees bright blue eyes staring back at him.

"Lots!" Louis stared at Lottie, an almost accusing gaze in his eyes. "You can't scare people like that!"

"I can and I will." Lottie says unabashedly.

"Okay," Louis starts to get off the sofa, but stops when Lottie steps in front of him. "Uh, Lottie."

"No," Lottie says. "I need to talk to you."

About how much of a asshole he is? About how he basically abandoned his family? Okay.

"Okay." Louis nods hesitantly.

Lottie crosses her arms as a blush makes her way to her cheek. "I'm sorry."

 

Louis' eyes nearly bulged out of his sockets. "Excuse me, what?"

The last time Lottie apologized to him, it required a lot of screaming, crying, hair-pulling and snot. Lottie literally pushed him to the ground and stepped on his face, effectively breaking his nose. Best sister ever.

( I'm sorry, Louis, for stepping on your pretty, beautiful, angelic face. My shoe had been presented the greatest gift of all time, the privilege of being able to have a feel of the magnificent smooth surface that is your face. P.S Mum asked me to apologise. )

"I'm sorry," Lottie says again, staring at Louis as if he's out of his head. "I'm sorry for strangling you. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions. I'm sorry for accusing you for something that you didn't do. I'm sorry."

Louis stares agape at Lottie. "Did Mum write the script?"

Lottie had the audacity to look offended. "No."

"Oh."

Lottie had a sheepish look on her face. "I even cooked breakfast for you."

"You what?"

 

***

 

 

It was day five of moping at home, doing nothing but watching Netflix and crying over the Titanic, when Jay apparently got sick of Louis. She was currently screaming at Louis, throwing article of clothing at him when she stopped.

"You – " She huffs, taking in a deep breath. "You stop moping and do something productive!"

Louis smiles lazily. "I'm eating." Then he makes a big show of taking a big gulp of his ice cream.

"Oh, my God." Jay says, looking horrified. "I bought that ice cream for myself."

Louis looks at it. It was already half-eaten. "Oops." He shrugs, flashing a grin at Jay.

"You get up," Jay flings the covers off Louis. "Wear some clothes, and get yourself together. You're acting like the world's ending."

Louis grunts. He takes his boxers from the bed and puts it on, tucking his dick into the material. "There."

Jay squints. "I think your dick shrank since the last time I saw you."

That was so insulting. Louis feels insulted. "Don't insult my dick!"

Jay digs through his bag and stops, eyebrows shooting up into her hair. "Louis, oh God."

"Are these panties?" Jay asks, holding up a piece of black lace panties. "Dear Jesus. I didn't know that you were that kinky."

"Mum!" Louis' face was currently bright red.

"I didn't know that you bottomed!" Jay went on, a horrified look on her face. "I always thought, "Oh, poor Harry, must have a hard time sitting down." And all these while you were the bottom?" 

"Is there an agency where you can switch mothers? Because I want one right now."

"When was the last time you had sex?" Jay inquires, curious. "Oh, your poor butt. Is it sore?"

Fizzy pops her head from behind the door. "What's sore?"

Jay shrieks. "Oh my God! Nothing!"

Fizzy cocks her head. "Why would Louis' butt be sore?"

"I want to move out!" Louis demands. "I'm moving out and I'm never coming back. And, Fizzy, no one says 'butt' nowadays. Repeat after me. Ass."

"Ass!" Fizzy grins. "Sounds so much better than butt." Then, she walks away, screaming, "Ass! Ass!"

Jay glares at Louis, a murderous look on her face. "Louis Tomlinson, I'm going to kill you."

Louis smiles weakly at Jay. "Ah, what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

 

 

***

 

 

"No, hold up, you're asking me to talk to that bastard?"

"Listen to me – "

"No, I will not listen to you, Mum. I talked to him, and look at how that went! It didn't even solve anything! So I'm just going to be single for the rest of my life, and marry Clifford. Oh yeah, where's Clifford?"

"He died."

"He what?!"

"You shut up and listen to me, Louis Tomlinson. I'm your mother, I know what's best for you. And, being with Harry is what's best for you. He's the only the person that you're genuinely happy with, I can fucking tell that!"

Louis opens his mouth to interrupt but he sees the exact moment when Jay starts to get emotional, eyes tearing up.

"I don't – I don't want to see you like – like that anymore, Louis. Do you know how hard it was seeing you in that stupid hospital bed?"

Louis swallows. His breath hitches and he wants to talk but he decides to let Jay continue.

"You were dead, Louis," Jay gasps, desperately wiping the tears off her face. "You were dead for a minute, and Niall was literally going to bang to door down. He was screaming and crying and he practically collapsed against the door and started telling me that he was sorry for not saving you sooner. He thought that it was his fault, and look, look what you did to your friend, Louis. You're fucking selfish, you hear me? You're selfish for attempting suicide and you're selfish for thinking you're worthless and you're selfish for harming yourself because you don't even see what it does to people around you."

Jay lowers her voice to a whisper, voice jumping with every syllabus. Louis' already crying, can't believe how much suffering he brought to his family and Niall.

"Niall had to go for counselling," Jay spits. "He had to go for counselling because he couldn't get the image for your body out of his head and he kept having nightmares of you dying and he not being able to save you. You didn't know any of this, but I did."

Louis shakes his head, tears falling from his eyes. "No. No."

"Your sisters didn't know. Did you know how many times they called me, asking for you, asking for their big brother to read them a book and pet them to sleep? Did you know that amount of times Phoebe cried, wanting you to come back and praise her because she got the highest mark in her class?"

"And I couldn't – couldn't tell them, "Oh, sorry, but your brother is in the hospital because he tried to kill himself so he can't come back and cuddle you and praise you and feed you your fucking lunch."

Louis lets a sob escape him. He feels so, so guilty, and he wants to go hug every one of his siblings for letting them down. He's wants to apologise to Niall for scarring him for life and he wants Harry back. He wants it all so badly.

"Harry called me," Jay sniffs, acting like that sentence didn't give him the biggest scare in his entire life. He literally felt his stomach drop all the way to his feet. "He called, asked, hey, Jay, I'm so sorry, me and louis are over, can you help me check on lou to see if he's okay? And then I had to tell him that you nearly died because you committed suicide and," Jay takes in a deep breath. "He was crying and shit and he visited you in the hospital when you were unconscious and then three months later he disappeared. I heard from his mum that he had to go to the hospital because he was taking drugs and his body collapsed."

And Louis can't get that image out of his head. Harry's bright green eyes that were permanently rimmed red closed, body limp on the sidewalk, organs shutting down one by one. Harry wheeled into the emergency room, Harry being operated on, Harry's stomach being pumped.

And then he feels so, so guilty when he realized that that was exactly what his family, Niall and Harry were feeling when he was in the hospital.

He's so fucking selfish.

"Mum, Mum, I – I'm so selfish," Louis cries, voice breaking. "I'm so sorry, Mum, I'm so sorry, please believe me."

Please believe me. He said that to Niall and Niall said he did and he blew up at his face.

Niall crying, Niall having nightmares, Niall going to the counsellor, Niall consumed in guilt for something that wasn't his fault.

He needs to fix it.

"Mum, I – I need to go back, I need to apologise to Niall, oh God. And Zayn, Liam. They didn't even know, I kept all these from them, what kind of friend am I? Oh God, they must hate me by now. We – we had a promise not to keep secrets and I broke it, oh my God, Mum, they hate me, what if they hate me? I – I can't, I love Zayn and Liam, they're my best friends, what if they hate me, Mum, what if they hate me?"

He's crying harder than he had in his life, sobbing, and he can barely breath through the thick tears and the lodge in his throat. 

"They hate me, they hate me, Mum, what should I do, Mum." He starts rocking back and forth, hysterical and he can't breathe. 

"They don't hate you, they don't, of course they don't, they'll understand, shh." Jay soothes, trying desperately to soothe her boy, running her hand through Louis' hair. 

"How do you know," Louis chokes out, trying desperately to just breathe. He remembers Liam's voice in his head, in, out, in out, good boy, that's it. 

Soon enough he's breathing normally, only occasionally hiccupping. He snuggles into Jay's side, sniffling miserably. 

Jay coos, and rubs her hand down Louis' back, trying to comfort him. "Hey, hey, look, it's Zayn." He didn't realise that Jay had called Zayn in the middle of it.

"Zayn?" Louis peels away from Jay's side. "Zayn? Where's he?" 

"Hi, Lou." There's his voice, familiar and like honey, even though it's only through the phone, slightly scratchy and static like. "Babe, we don't hate you."

"You don't?" Louis asks unbelievingly. "You really don't?" 

"Of course not!" Liam's face squeezes in next to Zayn. They look adorable, cheeks smushed together. Then he's reminded of the picture he found in his room of him and Harry. 

Louis lets a smile break across his face. "Thanks. I love you." 

Liam frowns. "You don't have to thank us for not hating you. What the hell, Lou." 

Liam sounds upset. Louis can feel the panic rising up in him and he asks desperately, "Are you upset? Liam? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, please don't be mad at me." 

"No!" Liam cries. "No, I'm not mad. I could never." 

Louis giggles lightly. "Thank you," Then his eyes widen and he's slapping his hand over his mouth, "I'm sorry!" 

"LOUIS!" There's a familiar irish shout. "WHERE'S HE?!" 

Niall comes into sight and Louis' heart drops. He looks terrible, blond hair mussed and eyes bloodshot. "Niall? Niall, are- are you taking care of yourself? Why - are you even sleeping?" 

"Oh," Niall bites his lip. "I, uh, had dreams. Yeah." 

Nightmares. He had to go for counselling because he couldn't get the image for your body out of his head and he kept having nightmares of you dying and he not being able to save you.

"Oh, no," Louis shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. Niall, when I get back, slap me as hard as you can." 

"Fuck no." 

"Fuck yes." Louis grins, smiling sheepishly. "Bye, guys. I'm gonna take the first flight back home now." 

They all explode in a chorus of cheers, and it's so cute and endearing Louis is sent into a fit of giggles and smiles. 

He's going home.


	8. meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i can fucking finally figure out how to copy and paste this shit without my italics and bold getting cancelled off like previous chapters :)

**Saturday, 1/3/2015, 10.26pm**

 

"Is Louis okay?" Liam asks, concerned as he watches Louis scream at Niall, face flushed red. Niall is staring coolly at him, keeping a straight face while Louis brandishes a ruler at him. Suddenly Liam is reminded of the party where Louis was raving about gay rulers and such. He shudders at the memory. 

"Uh." Zayn says. Louis doesn't look very okay to him. 

"You give me his fucking number!" Louis shrieks, slapping the ruler onto Niall's stomach. Niall doesn't flinch. "Give me his number!" 

Niall raises his eyebrows and folds his arms, not even fazed by the fact that Louis is practically raining blows on him. He looks high. Louis' eyes are red rimmed and glassy; unfocused. "How about no." 

Louis heaves. "How about I murder you?" 

Niall flares his nostrils. Louis flares his' back.

Soon, they're both snorting in each other's faces, brandishing their nostrils. What the actual fuck. 

"Stop it!" Zayn shouts, effectively ending the moment. Louis glares at Niall and smacks him again. "Louis, you're hurting Niall!" 

Louis blinks. Then he gasps and seems to come out of whatever state of delirium he's in. He puts down his ruler and his bottom lip wobbles. "Oh no!" He lifts up Niall's shirt and thumbs over the red marks. Then he bursts into tears. Liam stares at Zayn, astounded. 

"I'm abusive," Louis hiccups into his hands. "I'm an abusive friend. I deserve to die." 

Niall is staring questionably at Louis. "Are you high?" 

Louis' mouth does a downward lilt. He produces several joints from his back, presenting them to Niall guiltily, like a child that was caught vandalising the wall. He sniffles sadly. "No, I'm Louis." 

Zayn sighs. "He's high." He then walks over to Louis and takes the joints away gently, patting his back awkwardly. A high Louis is a violent Louis. "Louis, you're not abusive." 

Louis whimpers and buries his face in Zayn's neck. He's so adorable. "I hit Niall. I'm abusive. I have to go to jail." 

Liam coos. "Lou..."

Louis huffs and looks around, blinking rapidly and a little pout on his lips. "I - I  _abused_ Niall! His tummy is gonna be scarred!" Then he bursts into a fresh bout of tears. "I – I scarred Niall!"

"Uh," Niall blinks. He lifts up his shirt. "My stomach is good as new. Look."

Louis looks, and gasps in amazement. "Magic. It's fuckin' magic, I tell you."

Niall closes his eyes in exasperation. "Firstly, you barely used any strength. That's understandable considering how tiny you are. Secondly, I will absolutely  _not_ give you Harry's number."

"Why would you – " Liam sighs.

"Oh, my God, Niall – " Zayn splutters.

"Oh, fuck." Niall sighs and waits for Louis to blow up.

"But I want his number," Louis sobs into the heel of his palm. "I wanna – I wanna apologise, I'm such a fucking let down, I wanna say sorry to him –  _please_ , please Niall – "

Liam and Zayn were absolutely floored. "Niall, I think you left out some details in your story that day."

"Please," Louis was now an emotional wreck, sobbing into his hands. He looks like a child. "Please, I'll do anything, I'll get down on my knees, anything, please."

"Fucking hell," Niall curses. "Fucking fine."

"Thank youuu," Louis cries, dragging the word out. He buries his face in Niall's chest and pets it lovingly. "Thank you so fucking much."

"Yeah," Niall says in a monotone voice. "Huh."

***

**Sunday, 2/3/2015, 1.20pm**

Louis juggles his leg up and down nervously, and checks his phone for the thousandth time. 1.20pm. He stares at the screen and watches as the number turns to 1.21pm.

Louis unlocks his phone and bites his lip, debating whether to call Harry or not. His thumb hovers over the screen for a while, but Louis just sighs and locks his phone again.

 He thinks of the first time he's been sat here. It was a rainy day. The thunder was booming outside and it was one of the coldest evening Louis had to endure but his entire heart was warm with fondness and love as he watched Harry try to stuff two pancakes in his mouth. It had been a good day.

Louis checks his phone again. 1.23pm.

Maybe Harry's not coming? Maybe Niall gave him the wrong number and he's at home having a laugh at Louis? Louis frowns and bites his lip. He checks the chat with Harry again and purses his lip at the, "Y _eah sure i'll meet you there."_

Maybe Harry's not coming. Maybe Harry hates him for throwing everything back at his face after all that's happened. Maybe - 

"Oh my God!" The table suddenly jerks, and there's Harry, holding his knee with a grimace on his face. "Ow." 

"Oh," Louis says, blinking at Harry. "You actually came." 

"Stupid knee," Harry curses, completely ignoring Louis. "Stop banging into things, idiot." 

Is he really talking to himself? Jesus. He needs help. 

"Hi," Louis waves a hand in front of Harry's face. "I'm here?"

"Yeah, I've noticed," Harry says, and sits down. "You wanted to meet me?" 

 _Otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here, idiot,_ is what Louis wanted to say. Instead, a "How the fuck did you end up in the hospital?" Came out of his mouth.

Harry doesn't even flinch. He barely showed any reaction, apart from a eyebrow raise and an unimpressed look. "The same way you did." 

And, wow. Just wow. Louis is in awe of this boy. 

"You - " Louis splutters. "You didn't answer my question!" 

Harry leans back into his seat and crosses his arm, cocking his head. "Look," Harry says, narrowing his eyes. "If you called me here just to ask me why I overdosed,  _not_  on purpose, by the way, then I'm leaving." 

Harry gets up from his seat, preparing to leave. Louis' heart drops all the way to his feet as panic bubbles up in him. "No! I - I don't - come back, what the hell? Harry!" 

Harry purses his lip, annoyed, and sink back into his seat. "Speak." 

 _Speak._ Is Harry a judge now? Christ. Louis feels like a bloody criminal. 

"Okay," Louis flashes a smile at Harry, one which he did not return. Louis could feel the smile slipping off his face. Louis could also feel this conversation turning into the one they had last. "Okay. So, I'm so fucking sorry for just deciding to kill myself without thinking of anyone's feelings, and, uh, yours, most importantly." Louis sneaks a peak at Harry's face, but it's unreadable. Louis continues. 

"But, I - I, uh, feel really bad now?" Louis grimaces at how awkward he is. Harry winces. He can see how badly this is going. "And, uh, I wanna say sorry 'cause I think that I owe you one for like, the past three years, I guess," Louis chuckles sadly and shakes his head. "God, I'm sorry." 

Harry continues staring at him. Louis wants him just  _do something._ Scream, shout, or slap his face. Why isn't he doing anything?

Louis bites his lip. "Nevermind," He sighs, taking his jumper from the chair beside him. "I'll just - I'll just leave." 

He stands up, chair scraping against the floor noisily, but at this point, he doesn't even care. Louis hurriedly pushes open the door and briskly walks out. 

The air is cool against his cheek, tear tracks drying against his skin. And he can't even say a proper  _sorry_   without messing up. He wants to go home, eat eight tubs of Ben and Jerry's and cry into the next year. 

Louis' so absorbed in his own thoughts that he doesn't register the rapid tapping of boots behind him. He screams, actually screams when someone grabs him by the shoulder and spins his around. Without looking, Louis swings his arm and gets ready to sock that person in the face. And when he  _does_  take a good look at that person, it's already too late. His fist is swinging. 

Harry ducks at the last moment, shrieking. "Woah, what the fuck!" 

"What the fuck!" Louis shouts, shaking his hand. The swing was so powerful his arm actually felt disconnected to the socket. "You don't just creep onto someone like that! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

"You nearly broke my jaw!' Harry protests, cradling his face with one hand. 

Louis huffs. "Anyways. What do you want? Did I forget to take anything?" 

Harry stares pointedly at Louis. "Yeah. You forgot to take me with you." 

Louis is baffled. "Wait, what?" 

Harry stares at him as if he's daft. "You - " Harry says, jabbing Louis' chest. "Left without saying anything!" 

Louis has a feeling that he wasn't just talking about just now. 

"I thought you didn't want me there!" Louis flails his arm around. He's so fucking confused. "You didn't say anything!"

"I was - " Harry takes in a deep breath. "I was  _processing._ " 

Louis splutters. "Processing. You were  _processing_." 

 

"Yes," Harry stares him down, gaze unwavering. "I was."

Louis scoffs. "Wow. I – I'm – amazed. That – amazing. Okay. Amazing."

"I think you meant amazayn." A familiar voice says into his ear. "This is inzayn. Fucking inzayn."

Louis screams again.

"Zayn, what the fuck." Louis shouts, as if he didn't just jump five feet into the air in shock.

Zayn beams. "Hi, Lou!"

Hi, Lou? Hi,  _Lou?_

 _"Hi, Lou?"_ Louis shouts, standing on his tippy toes and yelling at Zayn. It would have been a comical sight, Louis trying to be the same height as Zayn, and Zayn standing there nonchalantly, arms crossed. "You don't get to scare the living daylights off me and say, 'Hi, Lou'." Louis shrieks, as he does a poor imitation of Zayn's voice.

"Um," Harry says, pissed. "We're in the middle of a conversation. Zayn. Zayn." 

Zayn looks up, blinking his eyes slowly at Harry. He sighs and nods. He pushes Louis lightly off him, ignoring his cries of protest and high pitched screeches.

"You better fix this." Zayn murmurs lowly, not before fixing a death glare on him.

"Zayn Malik!" Louis stamps his foot, making a move to follow him. "Come back here, you imbecile! No Liam for you tonight!"

Zayn flips him the middle finger. Louis gasps.

"Did he just – " Louis gestures wildly. "Did he just flash the _finger_ at me? He – he's not respecting the elderly! Oi! Zayn! Disres – fuckin' – pecful!"

"Jesus Christ," Harry rolls his eyes. He doesn't understand how Louis' friends manage to tolerate him. "Shut up. People are watching." 

Louis shuts up. Only because Harry is basically cupping his hand over his mouth and dragging him like a fucking dog along the streets.

"Right," Harry grunts in effort, plopping Louis down onto the bench. He doesn't know if Harry is tired because he gained weight or something. He makes a note to go to the gym more often after this. And dieting. Dieting is important. "You can talk after you have calmed down." 

Louis rolls his eyes. "I  _have_  calmed down, tit." 

Harry rolls his eyes too. "Whatever." 

Louis' arm tenses. The only reason he is not punching Harry in the face right now is because he actually wants to make up with him. 

"So," Louis says after several moments of silence. "So. Where was I at." 

"You wanted to apologise," Harry cocks his head to the side, twirling one of his curls in his hands before releasing it, the curl springing back onto the mop of hair. "Don't know what for. You had nothing to apologise for." 

"I..." Louis bites his lip anxiously.  _Don't do that, for God's sake, Lou._

"Don't do that, for God's sake, Lou," Harry sighs, taking Louis' wrist in his and bringing it gently away from his mouth. "Gonna chew your lips off one day." 

Louis hangs his head guiltily. "Sorry." 

Harry squeezes his eyes together and scrunches up his face. "I told you that you had nothing to be sorry about." 

"Sorry," Louis immediately apologise. His eyes widens, and he slaps his hand over his mouth. "Oh, God! Sorry! I mean - uh - I'm...not  _not_  sorry?"

Harry ignores Louis. "I mean...I was the one who cheated," Harry smiles sadly at Louis, huffing out a laugh through his nostrils. "I owe you one too. Sorry." 

Louis pouts. "Apology accepted." 

Harry grins at Louis, dimples popping out. "Yay." 

 _Dork,_ Louis thinks. He also thinks that one day,  _one_ day, maybe they'll go back to what they were last time. 


End file.
